Ninja Gaiden 2

I get the feeling I'm a little late to the party playing this game. Ah well. So, constant pestering from a co-worker finally caused me to dust this game off and put it in my 360 and I have to say, it certainly re-affirmed my hatred of the japs AND gave me new faith in Yahtzee's reviews. Hell you can skip everything I'm about to say and go watch his review (http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/175-Ninja-Gaiden-2). It's spot on.

In the interests of full disclosure, my co-worker is a goddamn moron and I only played through the first level of the game. I was all set to bash my way as far as I could get into the game (in say, 4 hours) when the single most retarded thing I've seen all day happened. At the start of the second level I was attacked by a rabid dog. Fine, whatever, I'm a ninja. Dead dog. I turn about the corner and there are seven or eight dogs. Only these dogs are black, have harnesses with throwing knives, and carry Katanas... In their mouths. They actually fought me with those damn swords. I paused the game, quit to the dashboard while swearing about goddamn japs and their weeaboo fans, and took the game out of my console to NEVER return.

It's not that the game is too hard (which it is), that the level design is shit (oh yeah), or even that the camera adds a whole new level of difficulty (what's up assholes with ranged attacks who are off screen). It's that I am very much not the intended audience which is obvious from the start. And I'm not even talking about my hatred for everything japanese here! This is a game set in the fucking future where everyone still fights with swords, exploding shurieken, bows, and magic. Let me get this straight, a bow with exploding arrows or flaming arrows is somehow better than an assault rifle? Bullshit. I am in fact calling bullshit on the entire premise. If the setting had been, oh I don't know, ancient magical never existed japan I'd be happy. But it's not.

In fact, I figured out a way to change the plot and not only have the game make sense but still be fun. Instead of playing the stupid goddamn ninja you play the CIA woman. The first level is you picking out suitable clothes and changing out of the wannabe dominatrix gear. The second level is you trading in the bullshit desert eagle knockoffs for a single suitable .45 cal sidearm and a silenced SMG or if you don't care about starting an international war, an assault rifle. The third level is the fun one, giant fuckoff interactive dialog tree where you call the US and summon up a team of Delta Force Operators to come provide backup. The entire rest of the game is you raping the fuck out of ninnies with swords, claws, other impractical weapons (a fucking scythe?! Points for looking cool but that's just stupid) and sniping the idiots with bows from a good 500 meters beyond their maximum range.

Or alternatively the game is changed to one (short) level where you fly a stealth bomber with a couple of extremely high yield nukes and start turning Japan into glass. Becuase, if they summon the big bad daemon the world ends. Seems like that's an acceptable sacrifice to me. In fact, let's make sure these sorts of games never get made again, nuke japan.